Knowledge

My biggest fear is not ‘knowing’. There are so many things I don’t know, I am not aware of. Thanks to internet, now you can google anything you need information on. There isn’t a question in your mind, which somebody else in another corner of the world hasn’t already asked and been answered.

There are so many things to know, there is no end to knowledge. As a kid, I used to hate the G.K. classes. I did not make any sense to me. The entire education system did not make any sense to me, anyway. Why on earth do we need to learn History or Geography or Sanskrit, I often wondered and asked the elders around me. General Knowledge was one subject that I hated from the bottom of my heart. Primary reason was there was no syllabus- they could ask anything, that you are ‘expected’ to know! That uncertainty of questions always irked me.

And now when I have grown up, and especially after being in the Communication industry, I have realised the importance of General Knowledge and the need to be aware. There is so much to know! To explore! And I am not talking just about- Who discovered America, kind of general knowledge. From world history to politics to art to geography, one needs to have at least a ‘working knowledge’ of everything around. And internet I think has heightened this need a lot more, coz you don’t really have an excuse for not knowing!

If I am in a party, and I don’t ‘know’ what others are talking about it puts me off instantly. I feel like a misfit. Whether I agree to what is being discussed, is a different thing altogether- but not knowing is a paranoia. Of course, there are a lot of things you get to know from others, their experiences, their opinions- and that make for good conversations.

This fear of not-being-aware is not just for general knowledge. Even in personal life, when I find out something which was clearly in front of my eyes before and I never realised, I feel confounded. I have always been the kind of person who lived in her own world. I never bothered to know what was happening around me, coz most of the times it was an ugly sight. For a very long time, I did not touch newspapers, coz I was never interested in knowing what was happening in the outside world, a world which I have no connection with, I believed. I had a very few friends and I never looked beyond that. I liked spending time with myself, than others.

And then something happened- I can’t fathom what. But it feels like my blurry vision has come in focus suddenly, like how the camera comes in focus. Everything is crystal clear now.

Well, it looks clear for now. And the sight is ugly.

P.S: This post was not meant to be like this. Looking back at this post and the earlier one- I am surprised myself. I never thought I will write any of this before I started.

P.P.S: There are so many good movies I haven't watched already! (with that realisation this post came into being :P haha)

P.P.P.S: You should watch this cartoon movie called 'Mary and Max'- it is about pen pals (they have a lot of P.Ss in their letters- was just reminded :)) 

Dear Life, With Love

Dear Life,

It has been 24 years trying to find you, understand you, revel in you- celebrate you at least once every year. Last year in particular has been all about FINDING you. One moment, you were with me and the next moment you vanished. I saw a faint structure of you far away in between the fog. I didn’t know where you were going. So I just followed. I ran behind you, panting, losing breath, sweating- if it were a treadmill, I would have lost so much weight (well, let’s just leave that for another day). It seemed like a long winding road, uphill and downhill. I took detours sometimes, hoping to catch up with you faster. While I was at it, I met your twin lovers- Dreams and Reality.

Dreams was a lot of fun. He revealed a different side of me which I never knew existed. I would sit with him for hours, talking about you, sometimes us. Every time I spoke to him, the picture of you in my mind became more colourful. I discovered new music, met new people, explored places I’d never been to before, learnt new things, met his friends- surreal, divine and enigma, boomed with them and felt closer to you.

While I was flirting away with Dreams, one day I came across his alter ego Reality. I didn’t know who he was then. He looked straight into my eyes. I felt a strange connection, like he could read what was inside me. I turned away, not knowing what else to do. But that look stayed with me in my mind, my heart was busy taking care of Dreams. I remembered him often when I was with Dreams and his friends.

One warm evening, when I was tired running behind you carrying a hangover from Dreams’ revelry, I felt someone running behind me. From the corner of my eyes, I saw it was Reality. I slowed down. Everything around me became slow too. I felt the wind getting into my hair, the fallen leaves on the ground were flying in slow motion, my eyes felt heavy and head was in a whirlwind. I felt a flash of darkness in front of my eyes, I lost my balance… Reality was right there to catch me in his arms. I didn’t fall. Even in that moment of unconsciousness when my mind and heart stopped ticking, I could feel his broad arms and the intimate scent. I woke up to find his eyes looking at me. There was something about his eyes, which now made a place in my heart as well.

He explained to me how I had entered a limbo and while I thought I was running, I was actually sleeping. I was in such deep slumber that I imagined I had woken up.

Well, I am pleased to break this news to you that I am ‘in a relationship’ with Reality. And we are extremely happy together. We understand each other so well and he is a great lover! As I turned 24 today, he gave me the most beautiful gift- Wisdom. I have got nothing to complain!

Still running behind you, but with him by my side.

Love,

S

Edited to add: From the Birthday series - How S turns 23

Happyness!

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad." — Jonathan Safran Foer

Foo state of mind.

Best of you- Foo Fighters

Enough Said.

Will be back soon.

S turns 23 *fireworks*

It was my birthday.. till half an hour back.

I turned 23. It, somehow, does not sound like a nice number to me. It is a tricky age. One is neither here or there. I like the sound of 27. In my mind, I would be a wise-independent-mature woman at 27. Right now, I am just naive and unsure. World is revealing itself to me. I am finding myself, losing myself, regaining myself. And in the process leaving behind ashes.

Recently I read this somewhere..

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

- Khalil Gibran

And suddenly I felt my whole life flashed in front of my eyes. It was a weird feeling.

This birthday was weird in a similar way. My birthday happened to fall between the long weekend and I bunked my office. That was a good feeling. The entire prospect of a four-day-long weekend was exciting. But that zest soon fizzled out, as usual. That was not the weird bit.

At 00:00 with a glass of wine in hand, chocolate mousse cake on my lips and a bunch of roses on my lap- what more could I have asked for. That was to be a perfect moment. But it did not feel that way. That was weird. I was in a secluded state of mind. I did not want to be disturbed. I was laughing, rolling all over. At that moment, my world was only that. I did not want to talk to anybody else, other than the people I had with me that time. And through the night, that feeling stayed till the next day. I didn't want to talk to people on my birthday. Messages were a lot more comfortable mode of communication. This was weird. In general terms, I would have called myself sad. It was a brooding mind at work. What better day to introspect than your birthday?

And then it was over. Without any fireworks.

P.S: I am a dreamer. I dream a lot.

???

Lost faith

or lost in faith?

Fit to fight

or fighting to fit in?

Rise to

or just arise?

Give

or give in?

Hope

or hop?

Plead 

or lead?

Lie

or lie low?

To get

or get by?

P.S: I was to write a funny-ish post, but things are going a little dull for the moment. Should be back with a splash of positivity soon. Till then, I ruminate.

New life

Yes. I am writing again. After hundred light years.
And I am good with alibis. But we shall not talk about that today. This is a new beginning. A renaissance of sorts. If you haven't noticed yet, look around- my new template, my new 'about me', the new font :) Boy! Have I missed this place or have I?  I have been procrastinating for too long. But this is it. And everything is just perfect. Bangalore weather is to die for! It has its mystic ways of making me feel good about things around me. Or perhaps, Beatles' Free as a Bird is enhancing the charm of the entire set up. After very long, I am not going to sulk and crib in my post. Life is good. With its bouquets and brickbats. Weekdays are brickbats, weekends are bouquets. And so I write today. Now I understand the whole big deal about the last two days of the week.

So, how goes life my pretty people of Blogville? I have not been able to keep in touch or read your blogs :( but now I promise I would. I am going to start from a clean slate now. And no more looking back, I promise.

This new life of being an independent-working-woman has not begun to suck yet. I am enjoying every bit of it. Pay cheque at the end of the month makes all the ordeals at work, worth it. There are bright days and dark days. But on a breezy weekend evening, like today, I'd only remember the brighter ones. I would consider myself to be self-made.I have made up till here without having a godfather. Alone. And I am going to strive more... to reach that peak where I have set my eyes. In the last two months of working, one thing that I have realised is that no one has your back. You have to stand for yourself. And save your neck. There are certain things you have to take for granted and accept them. Once that is done, you'll have a skin thick enough to survive in the advertising industry.

As was told by one of my teachers in college, on the job there are several things that one would need to unlearn, learn and relearn. And I am doing just that. Unlearning and relearning. Not just work, but also life. This is a new phase and I am unlearning a lot of things. Getting new perspectives. Being a new person. Perhaps, this is what you call growing up. Hey, it's happening!

So until next weekend.. Ta! Be good. Catch you on the other side of the week.