Window shopping for a groom

CAUTION: Long rambling post ahead. But I don't write long posts that often, no? So go ahead, read! :P

So 2014 is here and it has dawned upon some people that I am of marriageable age now. And I should be shipped off. Shipping address is the question. In India there are two kinds of marriages- ‘Love marriage’, the normal way of doing it, the way entire world does it, and ‘Arranged marriage’, the way India does it, when your family looks for a suitable match. The tradition of arranged marriage has evolved tremendously over the last few decades. I have stories from at least 3 generations- my grandmother, my mother and my sister. . .all of whom got married in the traditional Indian way.

My grandmother’s generation was late 50’s- she was the elder daughter of the family with fifteen kids born after her. Let me not get into my thoughts on family structures of that time, but yes it was amusing to have a young looking grandfather (my dida’s youngest brother was my dad’s age) and a kid uncle (some five odd years younger to me). So when my great grandfather, who by the way was a strict disciplinarian, fondly called Hitler behind the back, was looking for the perfect life partner for his elder daughter, there were a lot of men who came to “see” my dida. Yes, that’s what happened. The tradition is that the potential groom and his family come to the potential bride’s house to take a look at the girl who is decorated to set asail. Unfortunately for my cute, tiny, baby face dida several men came to the exhibition but nobody relished the offer made to them; though they did like the laddoos on the plate which they gobbled with immense satisfaction. Dida was asked to get up and walk in front of the guests, you know just to ensure that she was not handicapped. She was also asked to unbraid her long, beautiful hair, just to check whether it was real. My dida of course had no role to play in deciding whom she should spend the rest of her life with. She “saw” my dadu for the first time during the wedding at this ceremony called Shubho Drishti which literally translates to Auspicious Glance. My dida told me how she had got frightened when she saw my dadu- hatta-katta, a tall dark (I would say handsome too, I love dadu J) man with a moustache. Very auspicious start, I say. So that’s how my grandparents’ marriage got arranged.

Then in mid 80’s, my parents' marriage was also arranged. Things had evolved now. My mom had seen and met my dad before the wedding. In fact that is how it starts- exchange of pictures. If both sides of the families like the picture (and hopefully the credentials), they decide to meet. But there was a funny ritual that came about that time- singing. I am guessing that was their way to break ice. So the bride would be asked to sing a song, in her mishti mellifluous voice. Parents would talk about expectations, especially with the prevalent dowry system that time. Time for negotiations, leaving the kids alone to spend time. Oh no, not leave them alone alone; there will be the young uncles and brothers and sisters around. You know the sweet innocent flirting will be in the air- Rajesh Khanna and Sharmila Tagore style- that is if you are lucky and have any strain of romance in you from watching those movies and learning those songs from the radio. Otherwise you just sit there, stare and probably smile.

Then in the next generation in the mid 2000’s, my cousins and my sister also tied their knots in the arranged marriage style. Further evolution had taken place. Internet had not only emerged, but by this time the parents also had evolved enough to find their way in the world wide web. This is when Bharat Matrimony happened. So did Shaadi.com and Jeevansathi.com and many similar sounding match making websites that would give you a range of perfect matches to choose from. E-commerce has taken a very long time to bloom and make its mark in India; but online shopping had started with matrimonial websites way before flipkarts and jabongs came into being.

In the process of looking for The One, we actually regressed in our approach with these websites. Imagine my poor dida’s plight when people would come and reject her and leave. She was put on the table just like the laddoos and cups of tea, for people to judge and conclude if it was according to their taste. Likewise, we put ourselves on a display on these websites to be judged by people. Are we satisfying some sadistic pleasure in rejecting and judging people? Or is it this fake sense of control in finding the right match which pulls us into the trap? This is an era of consumerism- a buyer’s market in the matrimonial business. You have the right to choose.

In my sister’s case she had the good fortune to chat with him, get to know each other over the course of time and then decide whether they wanted to get married. It was a courtship of quite a few months before they got married. And they say they fell in love during that time. Quite a protected and stable courtship. No hiding your boyfriend’s picture from your parents, or secretly talking after everyone has fallen asleep. This is a courtship where your family encourages you to talk, spend time with each other and fall in love- how convenient is that?

And now ~tan te da~ it is my turn. I had always been against this system until I saw my sister doing it. And I thought- Not bad, huh? She did find a good life partner like that after all. And the whole process of looking for the groom was quite entertaining- people write hilarious stuff on these websites. I was young and naïve, and found great pleasure in taking the lead to filter people on the websites. I also take all credit in convincing my sister to take a look at him- he is not bad, I remember saying..haha :D

Now I am not young and naïve. So I have little faith in this established system that has been adopted by everyone in my family. Oh in between all these generations, an uncle had a ‘love marriage’ going against the grain, marrying his school time love. But things are not quite splendid in that front, so I cannot use that as a case study in my defense.

I never believed in school love stories anyway. You are too immature and stupid to know what love is and what constitutes a marriage. But last year I attended two weddings- childhood love stories, and I had this constant warm fuzzy glow on my face. It was so good to see people who had fallen in love in their school uniform sitting in the class room to finally sit next to each other in front of that holy fire, with a smile and the look in their eyes that said- see we made it! I was all mushy in those weddings and cried buckets after coming back.

Well coming back to my story. I find it very difficult to believe that I will be able to make such an important decision within a few months of meeting someone. My friends who have done this before, ask me not to worry and take every guy with a shot of tequila. There is nothing to lose, have fun, they say.

But it is no fun. I had never realized I was so commitment phobic until I reached this point in life. I wish I could fast forward a few years, take a look at his face, and come back to make that decision. Will I fall in love before I get married? Or will I just like someone and then get married to fall in love later? And what if I start hating him after marriage? What if he turns out to be a horrible person who was just putting on a show while talking to me? What if his parents are monsters and he loves them blindly?

What a sad boring love story I will have! No fun telling it to my grand kids! No excitement, no thrill. Plain old vanilla marriage. I don’t want vanilla, I demand Scarlett Thunder. But I cannot plan a love story; if it is not there in His script, I can do nothing about it. 

I have a fresh new idea about this whole arranged marriage thing. I think I should shortlist people based on The Criteria and then travel with each of them to some place. You get to know a lot about people by travelling with them. Whether he plans or is spontaneous, reckless or organized, talkative or quiet, how he manages crisis- tyre gets punctured or we are out of fuel, or if I want to pee, how he behaves when he is tired, whether he likes to do touristy stuff or be more local, whether he takes a guide, whether he is curious about new experiences, what he eats, how fussy he is, how he behaves in a new city, whether he has contingency plans or can think on his toes, how he takes care of me on the trip, the conversations. . .you know it will reveal a lot about who he is, which no Costa Coffee meet can do! I think it is a BRILLIANT idea ;) What do you think?

No, I'm not serious!