Respect.

Respect.

I have heard people say that they want to be respected for who they are. But I choose to differ. I have come to realize that respect is never gained by being who you are – affectionate, sincere or conscientious. . .these and many other such attributes alone won’t get you respect. Respect is something you gain with your actions. Respect is strongly correlated to results, whether we like it or not.

In our culture we are misled in our understanding of ‘respect’. We have been taught to respect people irrespective of whether they are worthy of it – so respect your parents, respect your elders, your teachers, respect people with more experience. . .basically just because you were born before me, I have to respect you. That makes no sense to me.

Respect also is linked with a person’s self esteem. So if I am well-respected, I have a high self esteem. If I am not respected, I feel insecure. But in a world that is running like the wind, how can I expect to get respect just for being who I am. Respect is a jewel that is not easy to find. Respect needs to be earned. It needs to be gained. It is not served to you in a shiny platter.

I have learned it the hard way. But that is what makes respect taste so sweet. If you get it easily, you would neither value it nor enjoy it. I have struggled through various circumstances where I have been looked down upon or made fun of – in the beginning – mostly for being ‘new’. The new student, the new recruit, the new colleague, the new manager. What you have done in the past – your education, your experience – does not matter. You have to start from scratch and earn your respect when you enter a new world.

And the same applies in relationships. When I ask married people, what is it that they expect from their partner – one of the top five answers is Respect. Everyone wants to be treated with dignity. But to expect that you’ll be respected for who you are, is wrong. Respect, just like trust, needs to be gained. And you need to work for it. 

When I started working for the first time, I was just another new recruit and nobody took me seriously. It was gradually when the client started appreciating my little pieces of work, that my workplace also changed their opinion about me. Recently in my current job, where I am much younger than what someone at my position should be, my client would act cocky . . .always asking for a ‘senior’s’ involvement. It was really amusing how his behavior changed overnight (he saying sorry for not taking my call, he cracking jokes, asking and clarifying doubts…) after he saw my work. 

In personal life, recently, I have seen people’s attitude change when they come to know that I traveled solo around Europe. Not like I did it to impress anybody. But a little thing like that changes how people perceive you. So now someone (much senior to me) says how he wishes his teenage daughter grows up to become a ‘bold lady’ like me. Or someone (dean of my college) invites me over for lunch to discuss work agenda – whatever that means. Or someone (who I really admire) says – I see so much of my younger self in you. Even in the countries where I traveled solo – the kind of reaction I got from some people when they came to know that I was doing it all by myself, or people’s reaction when I tell them that I planned the whole thing without anybody’s help, was overwhelming.

You need to test yourself, put yourself through challenges, come out of them tactfully, express yourself, steer your life. . .SHOW the world what you are. Then you will get respect. Don’t expect the world to respect you for just existing.

Why do we respect our parents? Because we know how much they have sacrificed and worked towards making our lives comfortable. If my mother did not care about me or advise me when I am down or take care of me when I am sick – would I have respected her as much as I do now? I would have still respected her, sure, because she is my mom. But it is through her actions that she has gained my love, trust and respect. I have cousins who wish they had a mom like mine, who wish to emulate and be a home maker like her, or ask their wives to learn from her. How did that happen? It takes efforts. 

Does that make me selfish? That I will respect you only if you do something? Here it is important to note that I would still respect someone who cannot do anything for me. That’s not the point here. There is always a dignified way of treating people, I am not denying that at all. 

The point is that respect needs to be earned. What you do to earn that respect shapes you as a person. What you become in the process of earning that respect builds your self esteem, and you feel respected. And THAT is important.