Saturday, September 22, 2012


My biggest fear is not ‘knowing’. There are so many things I don’t know, I am not aware of. Thanks to internet, now you can google anything you need information on. There isn’t a question in your mind, which somebody else in another corner of the world hasn’t already asked and been answered.

There are so many things to know, there is no end to knowledge. As a kid, I used to hate the G.K. classes. I did not make any sense to me. The entire education system did not make any sense to me, anyway. Why on earth do we need to learn History or Geography or Sanskrit, I often wondered and asked the elders around me. General Knowledge was one subject that I hated from the bottom of my heart. Primary reason was there was no syllabus- they could ask anything, that you are ‘expected’ to know! That uncertainty of questions always irked me.

And now when I have grown up, and especially after being in the Communication industry, I have realised the importance of General Knowledge and the need to be aware. There is so much to know! To explore! And I am not talking just about- Who discovered America, kind of general knowledge. From world history to politics to art to geography, one needs to have at least a ‘working knowledge’ of everything around. And internet I think has heightened this need a lot more, coz you don’t really have an excuse for not knowing!

If I am in a party, and I don’t ‘know’ what others are talking about it puts me off instantly. I feel like a misfit. Whether I agree to what is being discussed, is a different thing altogether- but not knowing is a paranoia. Of course, there are a lot of things you get to know from others, their experiences, their opinions- and that make for good conversations.

This fear of not-being-aware is not just for general knowledge. Even in personal life, when I find out something which was clearly in front of my eyes before and I never realised, I feel confounded. I have always been the kind of person who lived in her own world. I never bothered to know what was happening around me, coz most of the times it was an ugly sight. For a very long time, I did not touch newspapers, coz I was never interested in knowing what was happening in the outside world, a world which I have no connection with, I believed. I had a very few friends and I never looked beyond that. I liked spending time with myself, than others.

And then something happened- I can’t fathom what. But it feels like my blurry vision has come in focus suddenly, like how the camera comes in focus. Everything is crystal clear now.

Well, it looks clear for now. And the sight is ugly.

P.S: This post was not meant to be like this. Looking back at this post and the earlier one- I am surprised myself. I never thought I will write any of this before I started.

P.P.S: There are so many good movies I haven't watched already! (with that realisation this post came into being :P haha)

P.P.P.S: You should watch this cartoon movie called 'Mary and Max'- it is about pen pals (they have a lot of P.Ss in their letters- was just reminded :)) 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Dear Life, With Love

Dear Life,

It has been 24 years trying to find you, understand you, revel in you- celebrate you at least once every year. Last year in particular has been all about FINDING you. One moment, you were with me and the next moment you vanished. I saw a faint structure of you far away in between the fog. I didn’t know where you were going. So I just followed. I ran behind you, panting, losing breath, sweating- if it were a treadmill, I would have lost so much weight (well, let’s just leave that for another day). It seemed like a long winding road, uphill and downhill. I took detours sometimes, hoping to catch up with you faster. While I was at it, I met your twin lovers- Dreams and Reality.

Dreams was a lot of fun. He revealed a different side of me which I never knew existed. I would sit with him for hours, talking about you, sometimes us. Every time I spoke to him, the picture of you in my mind became more colourful. I discovered new music, met new people, explored places I’d never been to before, learnt new things, met his friends- surreal, divine and enigma, boomed with them and felt closer to you.

While I was flirting away with Dreams, one day I came across his alter ego Reality. I didn’t know who he was then. He looked straight into my eyes. I felt a strange connection, like he could read what was inside me. I turned away, not knowing what else to do. But that look stayed with me in my mind, my heart was busy taking care of Dreams. I remembered him often when I was with Dreams and his friends.

One warm evening, when I was tired running behind you carrying a hangover from Dreams’ revelry, I felt someone running behind me. From the corner of my eyes, I saw it was Reality. I slowed down. Everything around me became slow too. I felt the wind getting into my hair, the fallen leaves on the ground were flying in slow motion, my eyes felt heavy and head was in a whirlwind. I felt a flash of darkness in front of my eyes, I lost my balance… Reality was right there to catch me in his arms. I didn’t fall. Even in that moment of unconsciousness when my mind and heart stopped ticking, I could feel his broad arms and the intimate scent. I woke up to find his eyes looking at me. There was something about his eyes, which now made a place in my heart as well.

He explained to me how I had entered a limbo and while I thought I was running, I was actually sleeping. I was in such deep slumber that I imagined I had woken up.

Well, I am pleased to break this news to you that I am ‘in a relationship’ with Reality. And we are extremely happy together. We understand each other so well and he is a great lover! As I turned 24 today, he gave me the most beautiful gift- Wisdom. I have got nothing to complain!

Still running behind you, but with him by my side.


Edited to add: From the Birthday series - How S turns 23