Sunday, June 8, 2014

The 2 AM friend

I grew up as a loner. I would be in complete denial if I said that I did not have too many friends because I changed cities and schools ever so often. From 7th grade to 11th grade, I was in a different school every year (By 7th grade I had changed 3 schools already!). That could have influenced me in two ways – either I could have had a lot of friends, meeting so many new people every few months or I could have had no friends, moving along before forging friendships. Neither of the two things happened. I was stuck in a limbo.

I did not make A LOT of friends. But I did make a few. Select few that could not blossom… or withered in course of time. Everything said and done, I at least have had a great experience in writing letters to my friends. If you have grown up with the same friends all your life, I am sure you don’t write them a letter (a birthday card maybe). I miss those letters. I am not from the 140 characters of today’s Twitter generation. I am an old soul, I believe in writing letters, long letters. (Unfortunately, nobody writes a letter anymore, email is the best you could get, if not a whatsapp ‘hi’.)

The long letters, even if they were platonic, gave me a lot of joy. And the anticipation of receiving a letter. . . It seems like a different era now. It never stayed the same. The letters stopped and we went back to being strangers. Now I have a lot of those stranger-friends on my facebook. They are my friends from that era. I don’t know how they have changed over the years, in fact I can’t recall a single conversation I’ve had with them. They were my first friends. I met such a friend recently after 12 years. We were 13 when we had become friends. I had studied for half an year in the school we went together. And now we met again at 25. We had kept in touch off and on through facebook.

Talking about old things, most of which I could not remember. Looking at the buildings, shops, roads that I had last seen 12 years ago. Catching up on all the years that had flown between us. An adult sleep over, lying next to her in the bed talking with the lights off, confiding, chiding, laughing and finally dozing off. I was surprised at the ease with which she filled in all the space between us, while I didn’t know where to start. I think the start was me informing her that I will be in her city on that day. I have changed so much over the years that ANYBODY I meet from my past would be taken aback; it could be like becoming friends with a new person. She was not shocked; she had too much to tell me about her life.

Deep down I am still the same, I know. Especially when it comes to friendships. Maybe I am less intimidating now than I was before. I still have a tough time making friends. I am not a gang-of-friends kind of a person. I have been a part of that kind of friendships, and I find it very exhausting. It leaves me with no space to breathe. I love watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Sex and the City – and everything seems great! But I just can’t do it. Another kind of friendship is the room-mate kind. I think I can handle that better. Also it depends a lot on the room-mate. I have had 11 room-mates in my life so far. I am in touch with only 3 of them.

I am very territorial about my space I think. From time to time, I need to cave in, shut the world out. Not everyone can accept and deal with that. I have been accused (not by my room-mates) of talking only when I want to. They don’t understand that the ‘talk’ when I am in one of those I-am-not-in-this-world moods will be much worse.

I also find it extremely difficult to be friends with people my age. All my friends, with very few exceptions, are older than me. I just CAN’T get along with younger people. And I can’t begin to explain why.

In one of my favourite movies of all times, Before Sunset, the girl says – “I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.”

I connect with very very few people. I can count in my fingers, the people I really like talking to, whose names I see in my chat messenger list and feel great. We don’t even have to talk every day, but just seeing them on the messenger makes me glad. Knowing they are there.

I have friends with whom I can chill on the weekend, watch a movie with, meet them when I am in their city or they happen to be in my city, I have friends whose weddings I attend, friends with whom I make travel plans, I have friends I cook for or go out eating with. . . but I am not sure if I connect with them. I am not sure if I am comfortable enough to tell them everything that is on my mind without the fear of being judged or stereotyped or that it could be used against me later or it would be made fun of behind me. I am a very insecure person with a lot of trust issues. Coz I have seen people doing it. I have seen alleged ‘best friends’ and ‘close friends’ go bitching about each other behind them. I detest this hypocrisy and politics of friendship.

I don’t have a 2 AM friend. But I am great friends with my sleep :)

16 comments:

  1. I don't think i need a 2am friend, because I have a very healthy relationship with my sleep.

    That said, the part I liked the most was about writing letters. I have had a few pen friendships over years but none that survived more than two years. It was so much fun to write letters and maintain that as the only form of communication.

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  2. O yes those letters! I still have most of them preserved..and those sweet memories crack open when I chance upon them while looking for something else in the cupboard :)

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    1. Oh yes I have them preserved too. Also, one of my prized possessions is a post card from Khushwant Singh

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    2. Wow! postcard from Khushwant Singh. Now doesn't that call for a blog post? :)

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    3. Definitely! Watch out for the post @ www.page14.in

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  3. Hahaha…! And you know very well whether why I’m laughing.

    Growing up as a loner….Changing Schools…chance to meet so many new friend / missed chance of forming a strong bond with them…being old soul…strangely developing an affinity towards long long letters…writing very long letters….making pen-friends…..eagerly waiting to receive a reply to those letters…then preserving those long letters and enjoying them …..!!!

    Some things and some experiences in life make us what we are today. Interestingly I do remember each and every day , every detail of my days at school(s). May be I miss those times a lot.
    Today even a small line through a mail or even a sms from a friend of mine makes me very happy.

    2 AM friends??? Never had any actually ! Not because I don’t have any problem with sleep but may be I never met somebody who needed me to be there at 2AM :)

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    1. I hope you are laughing with me and not at me :P

      Some things and some experiences in life make us what we are today - totally agree! Bit by bit, moment by moment, every layer of color makes a difference in the big picture :)

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    2. Laughing at you is like laughing at myself :P...and the experiences listed in my comment are completely mine(they are not yours ;) :P). And you know very well whether how it feels to leave everything all of a sudden and then going to an alien place the next day.

      And I loved the way you expressed it so beautifully-- "Bit by bit, moment by moment, each and every layer of colour makes a difference in the big picture." :)

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  4. I have a small circle of friends...2 AM friends too. But I don't think I can be myself with jany one of them. They define me....I feel I'm a different person with each one of them. Maybe I become what they want me to be. I have yet to find the one friend that can help me find myself again.

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    1. Another way of looking at it could be that each of them brings out a new side of you. You don't become what they want you to be - you discover a new dimension, a new meaning of what it's like BEING you :)

      You have friends that help you find yourself. . .maybe by making you realize what you DON'T want to be.

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  5. Sorry for stealing your food in the school. I guess that originated/contributed to your "trust issues" :P
    On a serious note, while most of us do have a large gang of friends and endless list of connection on facebook, there are only few we look forward to meet or chat. Its true for everyone. And the only 2 AM friend you need, is a book (i know its a cliche, but its true)

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    1. Hahaha...it was funny actually (now when I think about it in hindsight)! :P

      Yea..I think so too. A book is my 11pm friend :)

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  6. I am glad this was the first post I read on your blog! :)
    Before Sunset is one of my favorite movies too.. i always believe there is no age, no time to make that friend who turns into a 2 am friend. If it is meant to be, you will get that person.. :)

    I am best friends with my school friends after we met at a reunion 8 years after passing school! :) and my group of girls aare my 2am friends! :) so when you believe it won't happen, thats when it happens! :)

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    1. Before sunset still makes me sigh when I think about it :)

      Group of girl friends is not quite my thing I have come to believe :P But reunion is a lot of fun. I think a lot of friendships develop after leaving college, if you happen to be in the same city or 'happen' to connect- some of my friends, i never spoke to in college are good friends now :)

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  7. "I don’t have a 2 AM friend. But I am great friends with my sleep :) "
    Hahaha! me too! I have another friend too at 2 AM. Personal projects :)

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    1. Personal projects, yes.

      Blog is one of the personal projects :P haha..I recently traveled to Europe - that was one BIG personal project :) When I was younger, I used to do a lot of crafty things. . .it's been so long since I did something like that! ~sigh~

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I love hand-written notes :)