Wheels on my feet

I have been living out of a suitcase for over a month now. I can’t wait to get back home. My pillow (hate the one I have right now!), my bed, my space. The only thing I am happy about is that I don’t have to cook, but then, I hate the fact that I have been eating outside so much. My face has become chubbier. I don’t exercise anymore. I can’t wait to get back home and return to my no-nonsense schedule.

I am in Shanghai right now (for work) since the last few weeks, and will be heading back to India next week. Before coming to Shanghai, I took a nice long vacation in Bhutan. My vacation high dissolved soon with the flurry of work I had to throw myself into. I couldn’t enjoy the Bhutan afterglow. I need to slow down. I foresee some more work related travel, so I should savor every moment I get now.

I have not updated this blog for so many months. And we are almost half way into this year. I have been neck deep in work. It’s been like this since the end of last year. We are short-staffed and over worked. But I, sort of, like it this way. My empty mind can become a devil’s workshop very quickly. Work keeps me grounded. Not that last six months have been devoid of any personal ‘drama’. When a lot is happening in your professional life (and you enjoy the work!), you can push your personal life out of your mind for some time, and that is a great stress buster.

I have a lot of travel stories to tell. I stayed in Bhutan for two long weeks, and it was a bliss! I lost my phone and was totally disconnected from the world for those two weeks. I got a chance to reconnect with myself.

Last weekend I took a day trip to Hangzhou, a town close to Shanghai. I was traveling alone and it was a nightmare. That is another story I can’t wait to pen down – How I felt like an alien in a Chinese lake town, looking for a taxi on a rainy night, not knowing where I was, almost on the verge of tears.

I will be back very very soon! Here is a picture from Bhutan, till then.

From rain to sunshine to fog to mist to snow...I saw it all in Bhutan

Writing

This weekend I attended the Crime Writers Festival in New Delhi. It was a two day festival held at Indian Habitat Center. There were a lot of guest speakers from around the world, but I didn’t get the chance to attend the entire festival. I was only interested in listening to two guests – Jerry Pinto and Dibakar Banerjee.

Jerry Pinto is the writer who wrote Em and the Big Hoom. It is one of my favourites from all the books that I read last year. He took a half an hour session on Saturday from 2:00pm to 2:30pm, reading excerpts from his soon-to-be-released book on crime. It would be an anthology of 3 short stories, one of which is already published in Mumbai noir, from the Noir series by Harper Collins (that’s the one he read in the session – it is a crime story based at Mahim area in Mumbai).

It so happened, that I got late and completely missed the half an hour session. But I was with a friend who is a journalist and she had an appointment with him for an interview after that. Yes, you guessed it right. I jumped in. I butted in quite a few times with my questions on writing and stories, and Jerry was sweet enough to entertain all our questions. I was super-excited and wanted to know all about his writing experience and how he writes and how he thinks. He also showed us his small (tattered) notebook where he pens his thoughts.
   

We must have chatted for a little more than an hour. He told us his childhood stories, opinions, anecdotes, lessons, struggles, tips. . .as I sat there starry-eyed and happy. No, I didn’t take his autograph. I felt too shy asking.

Dibakar Banerjee, one of the very few Indian directors I admire, conducted a workshop on script writing. This took place at the Oxford book store in Connaught Place. I had never been to that book shop, and it seemed like a nice place. I ended up buying a book too. They have a cha-bar next to the bookshop where I had a cup of Kenyan black coffee and a chicken quiche. Ok enough about food; I am deviating from the topic :P

Dibakar’s session was interesting too, though I felt it was a little basic. The moot point of his discussion was how script writing is different from writing a book. And he emphasized on the aspect of ‘show, don’t tell’ which is especially important while writing a screenplay because it needs to come alive on celluloid. According to me, it is just as important in any kind of writing, not just a screenplay.

He spoke about Indian movies, how the quality of writing degraded in the 80’s and 90’s – films that didn’t make sense and were meant to escape the reality of life – and how since last decade things are gradually getting better again. The trend is shifting towards importance of a tight, intelligent story that would make the audience think, instead of relying on a superstar’s presence, a few dance numbers and foreign locations.

I had a great weekend, but it also made me a little depressed. I felt absolutely useless and inadequate after seeing the kind of dedication and passion that is required to become a Jerry or a Dibakar.

2014.

I remember saying last year that 2013 had been the most difficult and challenging year till then. That still holds true. In consequence perhaps, 2014 was the year of recklessness. This year I really did what I wanted to without giving it ‘logical’ thought. I played with fire, sometimes wearing hand gloves. I realized that being brave does not mean NOT being scared. This year was full of fears and insecurities, but I learned to move along.

In 2012, I had traveled a lot, mostly due to work, but 2014 travel was a lot of adventure. I had spent the new year’s eve of 2014 in Muscat with my sister and her family. Also celebrated her birthday. A few months after that, I went to Rishikesh for white water rafting. Then there was the elaborate Rajasthan trip with my mom. And later in the year, the magnum opus, my solo Europe trip.

I took a lot of chances in 2014 (following through the inertia of 2013). Some risks paid, some didn’t. Some made me feel great, some made me feel stupid. 

Apart from travelling, I also read a lot. I had resolved to read 36 books in 2014 i.e. 3 books in a month. The first quarter of the year was good. But it was this book that broke my momentum – it was so good, I took a whole month to finish it, and then couldn’t pick up another one for quite some time. At the end of the year, my score is 29 books – the maximum I have ever read in a year. I am a slow reader, I like to pause and ponder and lick on the words as I move along. Speed is not my thing I have realized. 

I have still not completed watching Game of Thrones! But there were many other TV shows that I watched this year and enjoyed thoroughly. I recommend True Detective and Fargo. Masters of Sex was also good, but it would have been better if the protagonist was a hottie :P 

I lost a lot of weight this year. Lot as in, it is at least visible enough to be noticed by others. But come December, I think everything is getting piled on :( I have also stopped going for my regular walks. This winter, I hate!

Did I mention that I got promoted again this year? So I am a Manager and all that now. 

The theme music of my life this year was the Original Sound Track of the movie Begin Again. The movie is great too.

The color of this year was Yellow. Last few years had been Green. I never thought I was a Green or a Yellow person. I was always Blue, and Purple maybe. But this year was Yellow. The bright sunshine yellow. 

Now each year feels like a new person, a stranger I meet who makes me look at different things, and same things differently. In the process it leaves a part of itself, a whiff, a droplet, a fume, that changes the chemistry of what I am. Can’t wait for 2015 to begin.

Saturday sunshine

I was inspired to write this after reading Sakshi’s post on the winter sun. Her thoughts probed me and took me back to those days of abandon, soaking in the December sun as I sat on the terrace lined with pots of marigold flowers.

I remember those folding cots that droop from the center like a hammock on overuse. Sprawled on a new tightly knotted cot with my back towards the sun, hair wet from the late shower (because mom said no lunch until I take a bath) and a small rectangular book of Mental Math under my shadow as I bend down to work on those sums . . . Mental Math and sun’s warm embrace would put me to sleep, before I could have lunch. I miss those days, now when I dig into that memory box. Smell of naphthalene balls, colorful balls of wool for a new sweater (and how sweater designs would be copied and discussed at length by the aunties), practicing Christmas carols in school, wearing blazers to school, playing pranks by switching on the fan, cracking groundnuts and having them with a pinch of rock salt, the pseudo smoking by blowing in the air, blinding fog and the car headlights . . . Winter has a lot of childhood memories.

I had not realized I missed the childhood winter till I did it again today – bask in the sun. I dragged a mattress to my living room near the balcony which was filled with sunshine. Shivering only slightly from the hot shower, I sat with my back towards the sun and took out the bag of groundnuts. I was as happy as that ten year old kid on the folding cot. If only the ten year old me knew that that was happiness, right there that moment when I was sulking about Mental Math.

After eating those groundnuts, I started reading a book that was delivered the previous day (oh the joy!), slowly stretching my legs and beginning to lie down. The sun felt great on my back pain (ha! The perils of growing up), my hair had begun to dry in parts as I ruffled them up, and I was just about to fall into a sweet siesta when my mom called up. I was reminded that I had to go grocery shopping and then make lunch. My childhood reverie broke right then, as I realized that THIS moment also will not come ever again. Right then my only worry was about cooking my next meal (leaving aside the existential conundrums :P). A few years down the line, I would long for a moment like this – an idle Saturday under the sun with a book.

I don’t want to grow up.

The right thing.

As a child you are taught to ‘do the right thing’. Be honest. Don’t fight. Respect people. Work hard. In Hindu mythology, consider Mahabharata here, Krishna spoke about Dharma and Karma. But honestly, I think, He manipulates and twists the truth to suit his convenience and get what He wants. People, very fondly, like to call it Krishna’s leela. Who decides what the right thing to do is? Can there ever be a right thing without having opposite consequences? Can you ever be sure that you are in fact on the right side, and that it is not counterproductive in another space and time?

I truly pity and sympathize with Arjuna. He really wanted to do the right thing. His intentions and conscience were clear. But Krishna is a manipulator, he is a politician with a very warped sense of Right and Wrong. 

From the life I have lived so far, with all the rights and wrongs, I really think that there is no such thing as ‘doing the right thing’. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong. What may seem right at the moment, may lead to extremely devastating things later on. And what may seem wrong, let’s go back to Mahabharata where Krishna tells Arjuna that war is the right thing to do (because it is ‘meant to be’ and Arjuna is merely a puppet in the bigger scheme of things…and that he should only do his duty and leave everything else to providence), may turn out to be the right thing in fact.

For the record, I think Arjuna was right and Krishna was wrong – especially in today’s context. I cannot expect a ‘divine intervention’ in my life, I don’t know what God’s will is and so all I can really do is what seems right at that moment. That is the best shot life has given us. We cannot try to predict our future and try to make the right choices – because NOTHING ever works out as planned. Life and the world has a way of surprising us when we least expect it. And as long as our conscience is clear – which I think is more important than following someone’s definition of right and wrong – we should be able to live with it.

Edited to add:
Did you know that after the war got over and Pandavas ruled the dynasty for several years. . .they all went to Hell? And the Kauravas who lost the battle, went to Heaven? And that Krishna was also cursed because of his misdemeanor during the war?

This whole idea of doing the right thing and getting brownie points of Karma makes no sense whatsoever! At the end of the day, you have only one life to live - no point in thinking about what is good or bad.

Respect.

Respect.

I have heard people say that they want to be respected for who they are. But I choose to differ. I have come to realize that respect is never gained by being who you are – affectionate, sincere or conscientious. . .these and many other such attributes alone won’t get you respect. Respect is something you gain with your actions. Respect is strongly correlated to results, whether we like it or not.

In our culture we are misled in our understanding of ‘respect’. We have been taught to respect people irrespective of whether they are worthy of it – so respect your parents, respect your elders, your teachers, respect people with more experience. . .basically just because you were born before me, I have to respect you. That makes no sense to me.

Respect also is linked with a person’s self esteem. So if I am well-respected, I have a high self esteem. If I am not respected, I feel insecure. But in a world that is running like the wind, how can I expect to get respect just for being who I am. Respect is a jewel that is not easy to find. Respect needs to be earned. It needs to be gained. It is not served to you in a shiny platter.

I have learned it the hard way. But that is what makes respect taste so sweet. If you get it easily, you would neither value it nor enjoy it. I have struggled through various circumstances where I have been looked down upon or made fun of – in the beginning – mostly for being ‘new’. The new student, the new recruit, the new colleague, the new manager. What you have done in the past – your education, your experience – does not matter. You have to start from scratch and earn your respect when you enter a new world.

And the same applies in relationships. When I ask married people, what is it that they expect from their partner – one of the top five answers is Respect. Everyone wants to be treated with dignity. But to expect that you’ll be respected for who you are, is wrong. Respect, just like trust, needs to be gained. And you need to work for it. 

When I started working for the first time, I was just another new recruit and nobody took me seriously. It was gradually when the client started appreciating my little pieces of work, that my workplace also changed their opinion about me. Recently in my current job, where I am much younger than what someone at my position should be, my client would act cocky . . .always asking for a ‘senior’s’ involvement. It was really amusing how his behavior changed overnight (he saying sorry for not taking my call, he cracking jokes, asking and clarifying doubts…) after he saw my work. 

In personal life, recently, I have seen people’s attitude change when they come to know that I traveled solo around Europe. Not like I did it to impress anybody. But a little thing like that changes how people perceive you. So now someone (much senior to me) says how he wishes his teenage daughter grows up to become a ‘bold lady’ like me. Or someone (dean of my college) invites me over for lunch to discuss work agenda – whatever that means. Or someone (who I really admire) says – I see so much of my younger self in you. Even in the countries where I traveled solo – the kind of reaction I got from some people when they came to know that I was doing it all by myself, or people’s reaction when I tell them that I planned the whole thing without anybody’s help, was overwhelming.

You need to test yourself, put yourself through challenges, come out of them tactfully, express yourself, steer your life. . .SHOW the world what you are. Then you will get respect. Don’t expect the world to respect you for just existing.

Why do we respect our parents? Because we know how much they have sacrificed and worked towards making our lives comfortable. If my mother did not care about me or advise me when I am down or take care of me when I am sick – would I have respected her as much as I do now? I would have still respected her, sure, because she is my mom. But it is through her actions that she has gained my love, trust and respect. I have cousins who wish they had a mom like mine, who wish to emulate and be a home maker like her, or ask their wives to learn from her. How did that happen? It takes efforts. 

Does that make me selfish? That I will respect you only if you do something? Here it is important to note that I would still respect someone who cannot do anything for me. That’s not the point here. There is always a dignified way of treating people, I am not denying that at all. 

The point is that respect needs to be earned. What you do to earn that respect shapes you as a person. What you become in the process of earning that respect builds your self esteem, and you feel respected. And THAT is important.

The October that I will remember forever :)

Oh..we are almost half way through October and I have not posted anything on this blog. I had decided (again..one of those resolutions) that this year I will write on my blog at least once every month. It has not been difficult so far : )

Well, I am in Europe. 

Yea, that sentence needed a separate paragraph. Haha. I am in Rome, to be precise. And I have already covered 6 cities and 3 countries in last 10 days. I am on my last leg of the trip. One more destination, three more days and then back to India. Thoughts of going back to REAL life are already messing up my euphoria of travelling.

But what a trip it has been so far! I had created a separate blog to capture my experience but unfortunately I have not been able to post much there. Walking around, seeing so many things, tons of thoughts floating in my mind. . .I really need time to gather everything together so that I make sense when I write :P Right now everything is a mishmash in my head. 

I have an early morning flight tomorrow. And my room is a wreck. I have to pack. Also I have to figure out maps and stuff for tomorrow's destination, and plan the day. 

This Euro trip was an experiment. . .with no set objectives. But plenty of inferences. And observations. Brace yourself for a LOT of posts in coming weeks :D

Ta! Hope everything is good on your side.

Leaving you guys with a picture of my favourite city in Europe :)

S